Retirement Jokes


Bring that million dollar smile on the faces of your near and dear ones by a wide range of lovely and funny retirement jokes. Retirement is a lovely phase of your life as it signifies joy and freedom from the mundane work schedules. Retirement jokes bring out your inners feelings with a touch of humor. They are humorous and at the same time motivational.

“Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it? ‘No, ‘the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ The third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

The Perfect Job: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

The funny jokes on retirement bring out the inner feelings and greetings among us that we wish to convey to our loved one. It is this motivational quality said in a funny manner that makes these jokes so well liked. These jokes add to the charm and enjoyment of the post retirement period and make them special. There are also jokes which at times bring out the memories of your tenure at office or the job.

Some of the popular retirement jokes which will surely bring a smile are :

Making Money– A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the great depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, i sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Retirement Party: The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”
“We will always remember you,” etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “The best news in 20 years.”